Intro to Play: Consensual Non-consent

In some ways almost all BDSM is consensual non-consent. That’s why we have safe words. The very core of a scene is submitting to the will and ministrations of someone who uses you for their own benefit, at least in word. Negotiation and safe words ensure consent even when you aren’t actively in charge of what’s happening to you, and the basis of trust is knowing that your dominant will actually respect those boundaries and safe words.

The satin scarf is more handy than you think.

That being said, occasionally I feel that we lean too much into the CNC aspects of play. Perhaps it’s just my own nature as a sensual sadist who isn’t as interested in plain power exchange, but I just, as a baseline, tend to minimize aspects of CNC during play unless they’re negotiated beforehand. I ask for feedback from the bottom constantly. I accept straight up nos without requiring a safewording, and I actively discuss what actions I’m taking as I do them the majority of the time instead of springing surprises on people.

Like humiliation, I feel as if the constant pop culture weight of CNC weighs down on the creativity of play and drives away submissives (and perhaps even dominants) who presume that they MUST accept that no doesn’t mean no during a scene and don’t enjoy the idea of having to put up with that. I prefer a far more collaborative type of play, and, while I don’t quite allow subs to “top from the bottom”, we’re all here to have a good time and my personal kinks are broad and flexible enough that it’s trivial for me to pivot into a sub’s interests rather than demand that every scene be constant pain slutting all the time.

That all being said, more extreme CNC play is enormously exciting to me as a sadist. When done with people who actually want it that is. The permission to fully impose my sadistic, awful will upon someone even while they scream and attempt to flee from my blows, whether they be mental or physical, awakens a feral part of me that is occasionally difficult to control.

Simulating rape, or hardcore torture and interrogation, or forced mind-breaking and dronification are all intense, one of a kind scenes that are a rare delight to experience with a sub experienced and durable enough to absorb the amount of damage such intensity tends to put out.

Safety is just paramount here. Clear, thorough negotiation is a necessity, and often I won’t be comfortable leaping straight into the deep end on this type of play without some experience with a particular sub. Trust goes both ways, after all, and as a dominant I need to get a feel for how you react to stress, pain, and perhaps even when things go slightly wrong or at least unexpected. As a dominant, more intense forms of CNC play requires me to be mindful and measured, constantly keeping a close eye on the mental state of the submissive. It’s extraordinarily easy to step on a hidden landmine and crush the sense of safety or the mental stability of a sub regardless of how skilled either of us are. And sometimes those landmines throw someone into a trauma headspace that means the sub won’t even be able to use their safeword.

But with risk comes reward, and this kind of play can allow both me as a dominant, and you as a submissive, to gain control and recontextualize things that scare us, or have traumatized us, or to safely experience things that loom hugely in our minds. Just make sure we’ve been open and honest with each other beforehand.

Intro To Play: Bathroom

Do you want to know a secret?

Bathroom play is actually my oldest kink.

Being raised in a sex positive household that was, at times, far too messy and unkempt that should ever have been allowed, when I started experimenting with anal play I quickly discovered the messy side effects of doing that kind of play. And discovered that I rather enjoyed it.

Bathroom play is probably the best example of where I have my own disconnect with other practitioners in the kink space. People who aren’t into bathroom play are usually very turned off by it, often to the extreme, and people who are into it are often exclusive fetishists for it. For me, it’s illustrative of my own lack of personal limits when it comes to types of play since it never even occurred to me before speaking to others that it was so taboo. Or that it would be a laser target focus of fetishists since I’d so casually integrated it into my own personal play.

Let’s break it down. What are the types of bathroom play? Watersports, urine, piss, golden showers, “soft” bathroom play, going number 1. This is the most common type of bathroom play, and, honestly, a lot of tops and bottoms will engage in it pretty easily. Some people are okay with genital contact or not, some are okay with drinking it or not, but for the most part it seems to be a low bar to clear.

There are a few tricks to watersports that I’ve picked up over the years. Preparation is key if you don’t have a durable submissive. Drinking lots of water, avoiding eating particularly fragrant types of vegetables or meat (unless someone wants a strong taste), and utilizing diuretics like caffeine to ensure a strong performance are all key here. I can chug four bottles of water and take a caffeine pill and pee every five minutes or so during a heavy scene. Despite common misconception, urine is not sterile and both bottom and top should be on the lookout for healing wounds on the body, or active infections that can be spread through urine.

Second is number 2, shit, scat, brown, “hard” bathroom play. By contrast to watersports, very very few people are into scat, and, at least from my experience, the people who are tend to be submissives, making dominants like me who do enjoy it more of a rarity. The smell, the taste, the feel. All of these are things that our bodies are designed to find repulsive as an instinctive safety measure to keep us healthy. So it’s not too surprising that people find it far outside their comfort zone. But that also means it can be the height of degradation and power exchange, and I love it.

Things to remember about scat is that preparation is ABSOLUTELY necessary. I often only shit once a day, frequently in the morning, and the texture and taste of the feces are very, very dependent on what I’ve eaten the previous day. If someone just surprises me with a desire to be shit on and it’s the wrong time they’re out of luck, and even if they are, if I’ve had nothing but greasy fast food and French fries the previous day what comes out might not be what they were expecting. Eating consistent, and alkaline foods the previous day help give a smooth, even consistency and a more tolerable taste. I tend to stick to mashed potatoes and bananas.

Disease transmission is easier with scat, so care is needed. Clean up can be rough, so more dramatic scenes might have to happen outside or in a specially prepared area. Clean hand/dirty hand is a must for topping, as it is easy to accidentally spread mess everywhere if you lose track of what you’re touching.

Finally, vomit. Roman showers. Uhhh… I’m out of euphemisms I think. Vomit play seems to be somewhere in the middle of what people are willing to engage in, but it’s also probably the least physically comfortable one to engage in as a top. Forcing yourself to gag and puke can be a bit painful and uncomfortable, and chemical tools like ipecac are difficult to control and unpleasant as hell. But with some practice, it isn’t too bad.

Prep here isn’t as bad as with scat. Usually I just refrain from eating until just before, or even during, the scene. Over the years I’ve experimented with a decently large number of foods that work, and have settled on a mixture of fruit, yogurt, and oatmeal as my preferred combination of pleasant taste, acidity that covers stomach acid, and texture. Don’t make the same mistake that I did and engage in some vomit play after a heavy meal of McDonald’s cheeseburgers. Not a fun time at all.

Why do I love bathroom play? Well, there are few acts of degradation that I actually enjoy anywhere near as much. Some other more roleplay focused types of degradation can have troubling ethical implications for me when I get into the nitty-gritty of why people find the play humiliating and enjoy partaking in it. But shitting on someone is a pure, physical, and uncomplicated act of using them as an object of low stature, and forcing them to consume my waste is a thrilling display of power and ownership.

Intro To Play: Caregiving

Caregiver play is arguably one of the most difficult types of play I’ve put my mind to working. Not because it’s hard to get into the headspace of being someone’s “mommy” or because changing an adult’s messy diaper requires a strong stomach, but because it’s actually the intersection of about four or five different styles of roleplaying that often interact in unexpected ways.

Each individual into caregiver play tends to be very much into a certain type of play, in example a certain age range or specific setting such as a school or nursery, and often extremely dislikes other types of play. People into being a little girl often dislike being called a little boy. Each person has a preferred age range that they want to inhabit, from baby, to little kid, to bratty pre-teen. Some people are completely repulsed by sexual contact during play, and others like it very much. Some want spankings and discipline, others want guided play time. Some littles just enjoy roleplaying, and others age regression.

All told, despite all of these things roughly being gathered under an age play and relationship play grouping, it requires a deft eye, a fast imagination, and mindful empathy to make sure that I’m reading the submissive’s desires accurately and not putting things into playtime that distress them. With something like impact play or needle play learning how to do it well is mostly a matter of building the muscle memory to use the tools, knowing the physical safety parameters involved, and being able to read the physical state of the submissive as I work with them.

With a purely mental type of play like age play getting an accurate read on someone’s psychological state and establishing effective, honest dialog before and during a scene is far more difficult than just keeping an eye on someone’s skin, heartbeat, and breathing. It’s distressingly easy as a dominant to accidentally hurt my submissive, mentally or emotionally, in these types of scenarios, and I abhor accidentally hurting someone.

It also requires a vast array of skills, including general motherly abilities (light cooking, diaper changing, the appropriate demeanor), as well as the ability to monitor self guided play and keep the scene from getting stale by leaving the little to entertain themselves for too long. Having the other BDSM skills available is necessary to mix in with submissives who are looking for more than pure age play and being able to do so without disrupting the scene.

So after saying all of that, why do we engage in caregiver play? Many submissives I’ve worked with enjoy caregiver play for the sense of security it brings to them. After all, there are few times in our life where we’re more at the mercy of someone’s will and whims than when we’re a child, and being able to engage in that headspace in a negotiated way where you know you’ll be treated with care allows a relaxing of adult responsibilities and concerns without the worry of abuse of power that comes with being an actual child. The intimacy and pureness of the love between mother and child lacks a lot of the complication of adult relationships, at least in concept if not in actual practice, and acting that out takes the stress out of navigating less understood or stated rules between two people who care about each other.

Other submissives actually age regress, the act of engaging in play putting them back into the place in their mind that they inhabited during their formative years. Often these times were scary, traumatic, or uncontrolled for people who age regress, and some littles use the making of a safe space to go through these traumas as a way to recontextualize and take control of events that formed them in sometimes very negative ways. This is not unlike a victim of sexual assault engaging in consensual non-consent play, or a victim of domestic abuse being into impact play, as a way to mark out a clear difference between the actions, and the actors. Intent matters, and repeating a series of events with someone who has an entirely different intent can help heal old wounds and find a renewed sense of agency.

And some submissives have less complicated reasons for their kink. Maybe they just enjoy the feeling of diapers and using them, or the humiliation of being forced to act outside their age, or just the aesthetic or feel of the clothes and play involved.

All of these reasons are great to me! As a dominant, mommy, big, whichever term I apply to myself, being able to craft a space where people feel safe, understood, and cared for is paramount for me, and I’ve found that few people appreciate that space more than littles. And it offers a start counterpoint to my deeply sadistic nature. The sweetness and the lightning are what I crave as a dominant, and many littles seek more than a fluffy, guided two hours with Legos and a PB&J sandwich in the middle. The challenge and depth that this play requires of me is mentally and creatively stimulating, and the results a good session brings to a submissive’s mood are worth every effort on my part.

Toy Intro: Violet Wand

At it’s core a violet wand is pretty simple device all told. It turns the high power current from your wall socket into low-voltage high-frequency current that can throw sparks and pack a nasty bite without generally causing lasting harm.

The beauty of the device, beyond the literal beauty of glowing Argon and electrical arcs, is in it’s versatility. Using a glass probe or a standard light bulb the electricity, even at the highest settings, is a gentle tickle perfect for flashy but fun sensation play.

Use a more solid metal probe and you can give someone a really solid shock. Perfect for tormenting someone’s more sensitive bits. With the addition of a body contact probe my very touch is electrified, giving me unsurpassed control over where my tingling and zapping touches land, at the cost of bearing the feeling of the shock myself.

I can take the pain. Can you?

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